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<title>Think Before You Tink by Fedora Of Adorableness (TheTimelessChild0)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27405652">Think Before You Tink</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/Fedora%20Of%20Adorableness'>Fedora Of Adorableness (TheTimelessChild0)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Omovember 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, White Collar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU, Awkwardness, Omovember 2020, Urination, omovember 7, outdoors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:40:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27405652</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTimelessChild0/pseuds/Fedora%20Of%20Adorableness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Or just stick to public restrooms.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Omovember 2020 [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987816</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Think Before You Tink</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Neal felt like he had walked in the dark forest for hours. This calculation was supported by his bladder. He found it mildly ironic, that he was surrounded by toilets, but couldn’t use them. Really couldn’t. They all looked the same. None of them fit his specifications.</p><p> </p><p>He decided to change direction towards a patch of light. It signified a clearing, which boded well for him. </p><p> </p><p>That was, until the need increased tenfold in 5 minutes. Neal momentarily considered just letting go right then and there, even going so far as to unzip, pointing haphazardly at the ground. But, in so doing, stepped on a branch, reminding him of exactly what he was doing. Just going on the ground was...wrong. Just plain wrong. </p><p> </p><p>So, he took off sprinting. The privacy of the forest allowed him to stop, cross his legs, wriggle and hold himself in increasing intervals. The gap of time between them narrowed as his eyes fell upon a large decrepit willow tree.</p><p> </p><p>It was at the edge of a castle, which was dark enough to convince him that it was <em> abandoned </em>. With both hands in his crotch, Caffrey hobbled up the hill to the tree’s roots. He wasn’t even close to a distance supporting any definition of aiming, before extricating his external anatomy. It took less than a second for Neal to point it at the tree, and un-pinch the tip. </p><p> </p><p>He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. Which was a mistake. It meant he missed a massive branch swinging towards him. His immediate reaction was to thrust his arm around it, bending his leg to solidify his hold. Of course, that meant not holding back his stream of urine which went straight down into the ground, <em> for the most part </em>anyway...with the not insignificant exception of what ended up on his left pant leg. Neal managed to restore the pressure seal from moments ago, but his scrotum did not particularly appreciate being wrangled.</p><p> </p><p>He’d only just adjusted his position on the branch to one resembling sitting on a horse, when the tree stopped moving. And not just a little bit. Even the wind wasn’t making a difference.</p><p> </p><p>A man who looked at least <em> twice </em> as old as Hughes, and with a magnificent beard, approached.</p><p> </p><p>“I am going to take a shot in the dark, and postulate, that the fact that the tree is old, and therefore might lose a branch on your head; did not strike your mind,” he remarked dryly, observing the con man slide down to the ground.</p><p> </p><p>“Indeed. Nor did I realise it was out of order,” Neal quipped, rubbing his legs. Fortunately, the man did not seem to notice.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, no, as it happens you just confirmed that it <em> is </em> working. Allow me to introduce myself. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore,” </p><p> </p><p>“Bless you” Caffrey chuckled at the mouthful. “Your parents have trouble picking just one?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, believe when I say, just a few scores ago, they’d have trouble limiting it this much,” Albus laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“So, what is this, some kind of magic school?” Neal guessed, not sure whether he wanted to be right or not.</p><p><br/>“Yes. And I am its headmaster. And <em> that </em>is a Whomping Willow,” Dumbledore elaborated.</p><p><br/>“Does pack a wallop...” he grumbled, bending at the knees.</p><p><br/>“Pardon me for asking, but why exactly did you choose this tree, when there were a sturdy selection of similarly satisfactory options over there?” the headmaster pondered.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s...stupid,” Neal assured him. </p><p> </p><p>“Personal preference is hardly stupid, whatever the foundation,” Dumbledore reasoned.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s silly,” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh jolly good, for a moment I feared it was rational,” the wizard smiled. “Speaking of irrational, may I humbly suggest you <em>relieve</em> <em>yourself</em>? Anywhere at all, the lawn could use some light sprinkling, it hasn’t rained for a fortnight,”</p><p> </p><p>Neal nodded, running back to the still petrified plant. Once he was certain the sorcerer in question had turned his back, he picked up where he left off, finishing in less than a minute.</p><p> </p><p>“Scotland wouldn’t happen to have any trees with leaves, by any chance?” he announced his completion.</p><p> </p><p>“To what end?” Dumbledore checked. Magic could solve either.</p><p> </p><p>The criminal indicated his pant leg. Which was no longer wet.</p><p> </p><p>“Lovely,” Neal noted. “Ooh, that’s not,” the wand was now pointing at his head.</p><p> </p><p>“I do apologize, but it is the law. It’d be highly hypocritical of me to disobey it, as its author,” Dumbledore was remorseful.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m a criminal, so excuse me if I don’t give a damn. Really, there’s no need. I solemnly swear I will not breathe one word about this school to the outside world,” he sighed, crossing his heart and holding out his pinky. “Honest. Which I don’t say often,” Neal remarked honestly.</p><p> </p><p>“Pinky promise?” Albus went along with it. </p><p> </p><p>“May my anklet forever remain on my leg if broken,” Caffrey agreed, showing the chain.</p><p> </p><p>The headmaster took the finger. “You don’t seem fussed or fazed at all,”</p><p> </p><p>“I read. The possibility of <em> magic </em> did strike my mind. Seriously though, I don’t give a flying fortune teller about your secret society. You guys keep doing what you’re doing, none of <em> my </em> business. I have a perfectly ordinary steak dinner waiting for me. Cheerio,” he waved abruptly goodbye, striding off; but not before checking over his shoulder whether the temperamental stump was still standing...still. It was stiff as stone.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t suppose you’d care to join me inside? My students won’t mind the company,” Dumbledore offered.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, but I think I’ve had enough spells and spectacles for one evening. Sayonara,” he bid adieu politely.</p><p> </p><p>Albus tried to bow, but instead took a tremendous tumble down the hill. Neal was already nowhere to be found, so the whimsy connotations were secure in the suspicions of students and staff who spotted him.</p><p> </p><p>Neal took his swell time getting back, spending time taking a sip from a stream and a sissy against a solid pine.</p><p> </p><p><em> Gotta remember; look both ways </em> . <em> Two sides to every coin </em> . <em> Think before you...tinkle, </em>he shook his head as he grabbed the top of a fern and wiped off his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Now <em> this </em>is a truly magic wand,” he said to himself with a smirk, pointing at his member as he put it back inside his slacks.</p><p> </p><p>“Quintessential cornucopia, containing copious amounts of ammonia and uric acid,”</p><p> </p><p>He ran his fingers through his hair. </p><p> </p><p>Closing his eyes was a clever idea, alright.</p>
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